It’s been a while since I last blogged about something. A few months have passed. The calendar moved from 2015 to 2016. A new year! But that’s not all that has changed since I last blogged. When I started the blog back in July 2015, I was taking life with a renewed joy. I was all optimistic and embracing all that is good around me. Come October-November, I hit rock bottom. The graph dipped so drastically that I almost considered seeing a psychiatrist.
You might wonder what happened. What went so wrong that everything stalled? Everyone around me was worried. Everyone who knew me could clearly see something was terribly wrong. Me, who couldn’t stop blabbering, could now sit for hours without uttering a word. My health deteriorated. Stress could be seen clearly on my face. Internally it was a storm.
I too wondered a lot as to why this was happening. One negative thought led to another. It was as if a cloud of gloom and misery had surrounded me. I could see failure in everything I did. Work, family, friends…everything. There was no big reason for all this to start. It just started. Just about a month ago everything was fine and suddenly around November my head was filled with self-harming thoughts. These thoughts were nothing but a way to escape what was happening…a way to escape life. I don’t know what it was that stopped me each time. Whether it was my strong belief that suicide is a sin against God or the consequences that my closest would have to suffer or I just didn’t have the courage to do anything.
But I am thankful that I didn’t take that step.
In the midst of this chaos, one day an old friend came to visit me at home. My parents got in touch with him and called him over. I had been avoiding meeting him even though my parents insisted I did. Something in me knew that he’d see through me. A part of me was afraid of that…afraid that he’d judge me or tell something that didn’t want to hear. But nevertheless he came over. The second he looked me in the eye and asked me how I am, I started weeping. I was so overwhelmed. He sat with me that evening. I spoke my heart out. He didn’t judge me one bit. We prayed together and read the bible too. He was able to convince me that it was I that was stopping me from being happy.
I agree, the thoughts that we build into a string, the expectations we have from ourselves and others, the fantasy we build out our understanding of life is what stops us from enjoying that very life. Sometimes we don’t need big triggers to push us down or raise us up. We need to ensure that we take the necessary steps to make sure we keep ourselves happy and most importantly living. We need to live. We have all heard the line life is too short. It’s so much in our face everywhere that we tend to overlook it without giving much thought to it. Days are running passed by us aren’t they. Isn’t it our responsibility that we live it and not just survive it? Don’t we owe it to ourselves and our parents (and if you are religious, to God)?
So I turned my life back around or rather still turning it back around (it takes work!). I quit my class, resigned from my job, and devoted that extra time to doing what makes me happy. I decided it was time I put my peace of mind before everything else. I figured baking made me happy. So I am taking a break to concentrate on that. It’s not easy I tell you. Quitting a full paid job means cutting out your finances. That puts a lot of pressure on the family (read groceries and bills). Fighting against negative thoughts is not that simple either. They creep in so easily. They make you disappointed in yourself so much more than in others. But, now that I have decided to LIVE my life and not just survive it, I do need to keep at it. It’s just you that can make you happy and keep you happy.
I have started blabbering again haven’t I J and there I was wondering what to blog about. Also, before I started typing away, I popped some gorgeous meringues in the oven. Can’t wait to see how they turn out to be. Fingers crossed. So now you know what the next post is going to be.
Stay tuned! Lots of love to you…be happy always.